What is Needs-Based Communication?
A language that guides us to move beyond blame
Needs-Based Communication,* aka Nonviolent Communication™ or NVC, is a potent process that can support us when we are having — or need to have — challenging conversations that matter to us ...
like giving authentic feedback to a co-worker or friend,
or listening to someone at work or at home when we disagree with what they are saying,
or how we respond when we perceive ourselves as being "attacked" in a conversation,
or expressing clearly our personal or professional boundaries when a colleague or friend has stepped beyond them,
or what we do when we feel anger rising in ourselves and we know we will likely regret the words we are about to say,
or when we've just expressed something in a conversation or meeting that really matters to us, but no one seems to have heard us,
or when we're too scared to speak up at all.
Needs-Based Communication (NBC) guides us to move beyond blame.
To recognize our own reactivity.
To understand our reactivity in terms of what matters to us.
To see another person's reactivity in terms of what matters to them.
In this new way of perceiving the situation, we are better able to respond consciously in a way that is likely to create mutual understanding.
In that understanding, we can make choices and take actions that are more likely to support all of us in moving toward what matters to each of us.
NBC enhances our human connection with others — and with ourselves
Here are some of the skills and benefits of using Needs-Based Communication in the workplace ... or at home:
listening — so that the other person has an experience of being heard, even if we don't agree with what they are saying
empathy — the basis of care and compassion — recognizing the weird ways that we unconsciously ask for empathy
expressing disagreement without blame — an integral skill of conscious feedback and mutual accountability
recognizing our own unconscious reactions and limiting beliefs — these are what diminish our relationships and effectiveness, especially as leaders
seeing conflict as something to be harvested, not avoided — learning to "lean into" conflict instead of away from it, learning to hear the underlying essence of what matters to the people involved
NBC invites us to expand our perception, so that we see ways to bring connection amidst conflict.
At the core of this expanded perception is the skill to focus our attention on the underlying human needs that are seeking to be nurtured in any moment, both within ourselves and within the people around us.
In every moment, we are each trying to fulfill our own human needs.
These underlying human needs are the motivation for our actions and our words ... the "why" behind what we do or say. Because we all share the same human needs, when we bring them into explicit focus, they tend to stimulate understanding and draw us closer in connection.
The potency of NBC is in its pragmatic simplicity.
There are FOUR PARTS of Needs-Based Communication:
Observations, free of evaluation
Feelings, free of thoughts
Human Needs, free of strategies
Requests, free of demands
And there are FOUR CORE SKILL SETS of Needs-Based Communication:
Enhanced awareness of our own reactivity … and choosing to pause
Connecting to our own feelings and human needs
Authentically expressing our own feelings and needs
Empathically listening to the feelings and needs of others
The first two of these skill sets focus on our own internal self-connection. These are the core skills that enable us to show up differently, and are a required first step before we are ready to create the connection we desire with others.
The last two of these skills sets focus on how we interact with others.
In any moment, including a moment of conflict, there are two ways to enhance connection & understanding with another person:
authentically express our own feelings & needs, or
empathically listen to the feelings & needs of the other.
These are radically different choices than we are accustomed to experience when we are in conflict or in a reactive state: namely, the unconscious reactions of “fight, freeze or flee.”
An example of an authentic expression might look like this:
“When I see you look down at your phone and begin typing in the midst of our conversation, I feel surprised and disappointed because I value mutual consideration. Would you be willing to connect with me before you begin a message on your phone?”
Or like this:
“When I remember you saying ‘don’t be stupid,’ I feel upset because I want understanding. Would you be willing to share how you feel hearing what I’m saying?”
Note the structure of observation, feeling, need and request.
An example of an empathic listening guess might sound like this:
“Are you angry because you value mutual respect?”
Or this:
“Are you disappointed because including everyone in the conversation matters?”
Note the structure of guessing a feeling and a need that the person might be experiencing.
As a final distinction about what Needs-Based Communication is,
I want to be clear what it is not ...
NBC is not about being nice; it's about being real. The human connection it creates is both gentle and fierce.
NBC is not about stifling intensity, but transforming it.
NBC is not about changing other people or getting them to do what we want. It's about changing ourselves, so that we inspire the quality of communication and relationship that we want.
NBC is not a technique or formula. It's a process that helps guide our consciousness to a new awareness around human needs.
The challenge of NBC is to overcome our cultural conditioning.
While simple in concept, Needs-Based Communication is often challenging to embody because we are so deeply conditioned to perceive each other through judgments and blame.
The concepts themselves can be learned in a one- or two-hour workshop session, or by reading a book, such as "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life," by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
But the true potency of Needs-Based Communication is in its power to not only transform our language, but to transform our perception of and energetic connection to the human beings around us and the human being within us. This level of embodiment of NBC is a mindfulness practice — not unlike practicing yoga or a martial art like Aikido — that requires consistent practice over time to develop the fullness of the skills, awareness and consciousness implicit within it.
We designed the Conscious Leader Program to be a structure and a community to support people who want to deepen their embodiment of the Needs-Based Communication process, especially in the context of leading groups or teams (or families or classrooms, etc.). The first course within the Program focuses on the foundations of NBC. Typically, participants “spiral” through the course multiple times, each time practicing and applying the skills at ever deeper levels of awareness and embodiment.
Learning the foundations of NBC involves:
Owning our own reactivity by being aware of it, choosing to pause, and transcending the underlying reactive thinking that is the source of it.
Owning our own feelings and needs by being aware of the many ways that our language makes it easy to unconsciously interject blame and judgments into our conversations — and transforming what we say to stimulate human connection through an authentic expression of our own feelings and needs.
Owning our own choices by being aware of language that denies our own autonomy — and transforming what we say to honor our autonomy and ignite our self-empowerment.
Supporting other people to own their own reactivity, feelings, needs and choices through the extraordinary and rare skill of empathic listening.
Expanding our somatic awareness and our vocabulary of body sensations, feelings and human needs — learning to engage and trust our “right-brain.”
As you gain competence in these foundations, the goal is to have ease and confidence in creating strong human connection in most of the conversations and situations that you encounter.
* Needs-Based Communication (NBC) is based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, which he called "Nonviolent Communication™" or NVC.
I have chosen to call the process Needs-Based Communication (NBC) for two reasons:
First, human needs are the heart of the process.
Secondly, I have wanted to avoid the common initial reaction from people in organizations that "... we're not a violent place."
Within this publication and in related references, any of these names or acronyms may be used, and they all refer to the same process.
Gregg Kendrick has been a Certified CNVC Nonviolent Communication™ Trainer since January 2006.